Soliloquy
by dreamer one
Summary: A series of short, usually angsty pieces reflecting on the events of each new Season Two episode from Helen's perspective, beginning with Eulogy.
1. Chapter 1

**Soliloquy**

A/N: I'm slowly returning to a bit of fanfiction writing and Sanctuary in my newest focus. However, my creativity seems limited. Right now, I'm planning a series of tags to the upcoming new episodes of the season. These will be relatively short, simple and usually angsty pieces reflecting on the events of each episode from Helen's perspective. How I'd love to get inside her head! (I'm hoping the next few episodes do exactly that.)

By the way, this first chapter is titled III and follows the third episode, Eulogy. It chronicles Helen's thoughts the night of Ashley's memorial service.

OoOoOo

III (Tag for Eulogy)

All is quiet now.

Darkness and silence surround me. My best and truest friends, they are always present.

Sitting on the highest parapet of the Sanctuary watching the lifeblood of Old City flow by, I realize anew the oddity of my life. Never changing, I continue as others move on to whatever it is comes next. As I told Will, death is a mystery I long to understand.

Each day I look in the mirror to see a face that is unchanged. Not a single wrinkle has been added in spite of the days that have passed. Though my spirit ages with each added day, my body is little different than it was that fateful day so very long ago.

I am tired. It is the fatigue of a century old woman in a young and vital body. Lithe, healthy, still fertile, I feel ancient and ready to die. By rights, I should have left this world long ago. God knows I'm ready.

But I never could leave well enough alone. Always searching for something new, something exciting, I pushed the boundaries of science and found the unthinkable. And it transformed my life. It stole my life. And I let it.

Truthfully, I had no idea what I stood to lose in the bargain.

The source blood took away as much as it promised, certainly more than it delivered. In exchange for limitless youth and vitality, I traded the possibility of long term relationships, the kind that bring comfort and meaning to life. I took years to realize the depth of that loss. I never actually stopped to think how I would outlive everyone I cared about. Lovers and friends came into my life those first few decades. Then they left, either frightened by my unnatural youth or dead of natural causes. I learned my lesson. Many years ago, I stopped cultivating the kinds of friendships that make life worth living. Losing lovers and friends, over and over again had been too hard.

Instead I had a child. Manipulating nature in a way never dreamed of in the nineteenth century, I made it possible to still have a child by the only man I'd truly ever loved. At the time my actions made perfect sense, at least to me. Ashley was a person I could love and care for from the beginning of her life. I assumed I would die before her; that was simply the natural order of things. Even twenty five years ago, I couldn't believe this life of mine would go on forever.

I was tragically wrong. My child is dead.

I admit that now. I tried every avenue I could think of to deny the inevitable. None of my theories to the contrary held their own. I have no choice but to believe the evidence of my own senses.

My beautiful Ashley caused her own death rather than let the evil placed inside her take my life. How I wish it had happened differently. I would gladly give my life for hers. With horror I realize too late the selfishness of bringing her into this world, making the choices that would ultimately lead to her violent death.

_Forgive me, Ashley_.

_I miss you more than I thought possible._

Briefly, I wonder what it would be like to let myself fall to the ground below, to simply stand on the edge of the parapet and lean forward. It would be easy. It would no doubt be fatal, even for me.

But now in the ultimate irony, I recoil from the thought of suicide, remembering that Ashley gave her life for mine. I can not throw that gift back in her face. Continuing this life will be my penance. I can simply pray that the merciful power I've believed in for so long will release me in the not too distant future.

In the meanwhile, I will do all in my power to give some poor meaning to my daughter's sacrifice. It is the least I can do to honor her life and perhaps in some small way redeem my own.

OoOoOo

A/N: Please let me know what you thought of this offering. And stay turned for IV (Tag For Hero) after Friday night's episode.


	2. Chapter 2

**IV (Tag for Hero)**

It's late.

There's nothing new about lying awake in bed. I suspected sleep would not come easily tonight. It seldom does these days. Still, one can hope.

Such a simple man…

Straightforward, well meaning, good heart … I'll do the best I can to help Walter recover. It's the least I can do after he saved all of us, in more ways than he could have imagined.

He wanted to be a hero. More likely than not, it's something he'd wanted all his life, long before he encountered our newest abnormal. An insurance adjuster, his had doubtless been a dull, monotonous life until he became involved with this incredible parasite. And the creature gave him what he wanted, the ability to help people in trouble, help them in extraordinary ways.

Simple, really, it was a simple and admirable symbiosis those two shared. In some ways it's a shame it had to end. Life goes on … so long as one lets go.

My mind is racing as it does so often these nights. I'm tempted to go down and keep watch over Walter. Of course he doesn't actually need that level of observation anymore. Besides, were Will to find me there, I'd never hear the end of it. Such an overprotective protégé he's become!

The last few days have been a whirlwind. Exhilarating in their own way, they've distracted my mind a bit, made life a bit easier to bear. Give me a scientific mystery, a new life form, a new challenge and I'm readily engaged in the hunt.

_That doesn't mean for a second I've forgotten you, Ashley._

Hmm… Saying her name out loud hurts. Will and the others, they know that. It's the reason they've avoided talking about her the last few weeks. They want to protect me. In their endeavor, they've monitored my sleeping, my eating habits and my appearance in ways I suppose should insult me. Apparently, they don't like what they see. They tell me I look drained, pale and too thin.

They care, something I should appreciate. I try to remember that when Will looks at me with those sad, concerned eyes and keeps bringing me food. Worse yet is how he insists I get some sleep when I'm certain to be awake throughout the night. At least he's agreed to respect my insistence on professional boundaries when we're working. It won't due for me to break down in the midst of a chase. Then of course in exchange for not pushing any discussion of how I'm doing in those situations, he insists on some private therapy sessions. He doesn't call them that, but I'm quite aware of what he's doing.

And I need him to do it.

Not that I'd ever admit it to him… or anyone.

The recent hunt made it easier for all of us to avoid the pain of Ashley's loss. But it's never far away. And in these moments of silence, moments that are bound to come, her loss robs me of breath and tears at my heart. That is as it should be; the intensity is simply more than I've ever experienced.

I'm not sure how I feel about what happened to the man Kate brought into the Sanctuary. None of it sits right with me. But there's something about the girl that tells me it will work out, that she's someone we can trust. Perhaps it's her rebelliousness, her rough edges … the spunk that was so much a part of my daughter.

_You'd like her, Ashley._

_I know you would…once you'd knocked her down once or twice._

Time will tell, I suppose. Kate, Will, the Sanctuary network, in time we'll know how all of this plays out. For now, I can only do my part and hope to feel normal again some day soon. Perhaps some day, the ragged hole inside of me will fill up again and it won't hurt quite so much.

Enough of this … I'm going back down to the lab. There's work I can be doing, rather than lying here wide awake. And yes, I'll check on Walter.

Dr. Zimmerman will simply have to deal.

OoOoOo

A/N: Hero was a tough one in many ways. I thought Helen looked tired and worn and I wasn't sure what to make of the Hero.

I'm looking forward to the next episode.


End file.
